Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Come share oat with me in your robe
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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