I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
