the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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