as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Randomize
