We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
