Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
