Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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