Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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