just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
