I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
