I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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