make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Randomize
