i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
