apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I came so hard my ears popped.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
