Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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