Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
