I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
