I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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