she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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