You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
and you fell through a lawn chair
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
