you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
