i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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