She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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