he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
