Betty ford says i'm here all night
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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