did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
