I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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