Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
