my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
