we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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