If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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