Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
