What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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