Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm gonna have a badass scar
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
