When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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