Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
