it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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