$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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