Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I wish you could order shots online.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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