my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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