I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
