I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
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