So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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