Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
