Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
