had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
