remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
