One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
