Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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