Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
