Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
