I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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