I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
